In the grand tradition of the website “cakewrecks.com”, I present…Sign Wrecks. (Dun-dun-duhhh!)
1. “Let’s see: I don’t live near a country store, and I’ve been itching to raise rabbits. I need to get this document notarized, too, and I just don’t have time to make two stops.”
Actual sign in midtown Tulsa: “Rabbits and Notary.” Perfect!
2. “I’m fixin’ to host a pagan sacrifice, but I forgot my supplies. What’ll I do?”
Actual sign near our house: “Firewood and Pigeons.” Perfect!
3. “Aw, man! My buddy’s birthday is today, and he’s always wanted his own squid. And I missed lunch. Where should I…”
Actual establishment in east Tulsa: “Seafood and Gifts.” Perfect!
4. “You know, I hate myself. I’m craving ice cream, but I’m so fat and ugly that I’m going to go to an ice cream store and order a salad, ha! That’ll…um…really hurt…me, or something, because I’ll be eating healthy, and hating it, so that makes me more virtuous, right?”
Actual marquee at an ice cream and dairy store: “Try our new salad.” Perfect!
5. “I can’t decide between a burrito, a burger, a salad, or yogurt. I really need to find a place that makes one of them so appetizing that I’ll be able to prioritize my tastes, and say no to all the others.”
Now, how many fast-food places can you think of that offer all the items listed above? Yep, I can think of several, too. This poor guy; he’ll never be able to make up his mind now. He’s probably the one driving so furiously in the wrong lane with no turn signal…
6. “I need gas for my car, but I also need gas from indigestion, so I’d better find a place that serves sugary, fatty, brightly colored junk food with caffeine and has gasoline.”
Oh, look. A convenience store…Perfect!
7. “My yard needs cutting, but I don’t want a regular lawn service. I want a creative company that isn’t hindered by correct punctuation or meaning, or at least doesn’t edit.”
Actual billboard in midtown Tulsa: Experience the difference “with our lawn care.” Hm. Seems like they might be secretly hiring another lawn care service instead of actually doing the work themselves. Can’t think why they would do that, but at least the misused quotes weren’t around the word “difference.”
8. “I want a burger. No, I want a hot dog fixed by a burger joint. It needs to smell like a burger.”
Actual sign at a regional burger chain restaurant: “Hot Dogs $2.” Perfect!
9. “Oh, no, not Chinese food. Sheesh. I can’t stand all the options, the fried food, the exotic sauces, the variety of seasonings, the desserts, or the all-you-can-eat aspect. (Sigh) But at least they have those little onions.”
Actual marquee at a Chinese buffet: “Pearl Onions.” Perfect!
10. “My car needs an oil change, but it’s getting hefty. Too many additives, I guess. Is there a way to get my car to eat healthy oil?”
Actual sign in front of a car repair shop: “Low carb oil change.” Perfect!
We love our options, don’t we? Me, I’m looking for a sign that says “Take it or leave it.” I want to go somewhere that’s proud of who it is, what it does, and where it stands, and knows it can’t do everything. There is some business you don’t want. I just hope it isn’t mine.
“Thank you, come again.”