May I please have a safe man?

I’d like a man, please, God. I’ve always wanted one.

No, the appearance isn’t a big deal, as long as he’s mostly neat. Why? Well, I like to decorate, and dress up, and go out, and I don’t want him to embarrass me. Me? No, I’m never embarrassing.

Well, taller than me, a little stronger than me, a little braver than me, perhaps…

No, not wild, not dangerous! I don’t want a wild, dangerous man; they do things without warning, without proper notification, without asking permission or checking to see if others have good advice to offer. They take risks without caring about opinions. You can’t control a man like that.

What? Well, of course I want to control him. I want him to do what I want, and to explain himself so I’m not surprised. I want him to follow my system so I don’t have to adjust, and I definitely don’t want him starting anything by himself without checking with me first. That could ruin my whole day.

Leading? Well, I never thought about that. I just sort of figured we would walk together all the time, except when I’m doing my own thing.

Responsibility? Well, yes, I want him to have good habits and be trustworthy, well-trained and able to be counted on, but I don’t want him taking over. I have plans, you see…

Burden? I’m not a burden. Well, yes, I can be emotional, and I do want him to protect me and scare off the things that bother me, and always be there to listen and understand, and provide for all my needs, but that’s not asking too much, is it?

His own opinions? Ideas? Thoughts? They’ll all be about sports or beer, or something else distasteful if he’s a wild man. No, I want a safe man. He can have opinions about decor, or literature, or music, but that’s it. I’ll have all the other correct opinions.

Look up to him? Admire him? For what? If he were that good, I would look bad next to him.

Trust? No one’s really worth trusting very far. You have to keep on your guard and not let them in very far, or they might hurt you, and I get hurt enough already.

What do you mean, you think I’m confused? May I PLEASE have a safe man, or do I need to take my business elsewhere?

You’re the only one that makes men? And you don’t make them like I ordered?!? Why would You make a man that ruins my plans, gets in the way, scares and surprises me, takes unnecessary risks and starts things without asking, kills things, smells bad, focuses too much, makes bad jokes, ignores me, doesn’t understand me, and doesn’t do all that I want? Why would You give me a wild, dangerous man that I can’t control?

He’s just what I need? Control freak? ME? Yeah, right; I’ve got an adventurous side. I just want a safe man with me…to share it with. I’m NOT confusing; You should know what I want even if I can’t say it right, and you should give me something good.

You do? You are? Are you kidding?


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