WANT WOOMMAANN!

NEED FEMALE, GOD. LIKE PRETTY, ALSO HUNGRY AND CLOTHES NEED MENDING.

WHAT TO OFFER HER? AM STRONG, HANDSOME, SMART, GOT SKILLS…

CLEAN? WHY? WHAT WRONG WITH DIRT? ADD FLAVOR.

WHY USE QUIET VOICE? LIVE OUTSIDE, YELL, THROW, PLAY IN MUD…

Okay, if I hafta. Now what about a girl, God? I want some food, I mean someone to appreciate me for who I am and always respect…

Huh? Love? It means you get excited when you’re together, right?

More? There’s more? Cool! Tell me about it, God.

Work? I already work, 40+ hrs a week. She can’t expect more than that.

In the home? Isn’t that her job? Why does she need my help?

I’ll need her help? With what?

Making decisions? I can make all the decisions without her input; I’m a man, aren’t I?

Me? Do something stupid? Please! It’s under control.

Spend my money? And she’ll want me to spend less? Well, that’s hardly fair…

Children? Sure, I’ll play with them and buy toys for them; they have such cool toys now, like the…

Discipline them? That’s no fun. I’ll let her do that. No, I don’t do diapers; they stink.

What? I do not smell just as strongly. I do shower…sometimes.

I have to watch my words, too? Aw, @#%&*…or is that one I have to give up?

Whaddya mean, more? Kind words? Like when I want something?

Wait, what? Kind words when I don’t want something? What’s the point of that?

Let her decorate? Sure, just leave my cave alone and don’t interrupt my tv time.

Turn it off and talk? You’re nuts. She won’t talk about sports with the tv on, much less…

Oh, You meant talk with her about other things…like our relationship? Our feelings? Really? You would do that to me, after all I’ve done for You and all we’ve been through together?

Good for me? To talk about feelings? And be gentle? And clean up? Aw, @#%&*…but there’s sex, right?

After I clean up? And after I talk about feelings? And after I change the diapers? After a long series of good decisions? And before I watch the tv? Whose side are You on? I just wanted a pretty…

She’ll get ugly? In several ways? She’ll grow old? Her shape will change? Well that’s just great; a lot that will do for my image, her being ugly next to handsome me…

She’ll think I’m handsome when I’m not? When won’t I be handsome?

She’ll believe in me when I feel alone? What are you talking about?

Wait, she won’t always mean what she says? How am I supposed to know the difference? How are we supposed to communicate? This is nothing like I asked for, God. It makes me want to go back to being alone, loud and free in the dirt.

It’s not good for me to be alone? Well, I am kinda hungry…

Share my food? Are you crazy? Give her the last one? Go on a diet with her? Watch what I eat? You’re killing me here, God.

That’s the idea? But I thought I was good the way I was…

 

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